Tuesday, October 06, 2009

wahnsinnig

put these pieces together. this is how i've been.


point a: there are not enough long, hot baths in my life.

two: if you want to get to the "root" of probability trees, you'll discover that my co-worker is an asshat.

point b: logic is too similar to math for me to handle gracefully. i'll get the answers right on the test in the end, but only by way of magic and luck.

four: deer are terrifying. not pretty, people. terrifying. they charge at you while you're riding your bike at dusk, knock you down and then stand there laughing at you. seriously.

point c: i am wound tighter than pin curls right now.

point d-f: i miss crappy german television.

six: something keeps me procrastinating on sending a letter to the Diass family. I missed Anna's birthday. I feel horrible.

point j: the terrible secret in my life is that i don't like cupcakes. or any kind of cake, really, for that matter.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

sometimes, things go wrong

the mouse was trapped. first one hind foot in a livingroom trap,
trap dragged to the kitchen, neck snapped in another
there was no blood, a clean break. it's all any of us could hope for.
clean breaks, quick and painless endings that make you forget
the whole thing that set off the trap. the one slip of the hand.
the one moment of not being quick enough. loss of sly.
this whole mess is feeling like a slight of hand trick. magic mouse
is dead. the magic is dead.

Friday, July 17, 2009

good poem.

This is a poem by the poet Mary Jo Bang that I am enjoying very, very much right now.


Speech is Designed to Persuade

I

Here we are, my dear, so near we could touch
if touch were what was wanted. A pleasant event
accruing. A view into leaves will move the mind
back slightly. Dunderheaded hindrances.
They kept us apart. Is this what you meant
to have happened? I have taken up bad habits
in your absence. I have taken the tablets
you left on the dresser. I have dressed myself
in feathers fit for flight. I am flight but did not not melt
as some do when they try too hard to fly. A fraction
of four is only saying a small thing oddly.

II

Fine then, they said, let the tree be Knowledge. Let the leaf
be Nature. Let the dog take a name we give it--Pupper.
Let the string be knotted on its linear axis.
And now the sun comes up. The machinery hum
of a pheasant flutter. They were galled by the gift
of a clock, its inconsistent clatter. They looked over a book
of prints taken from frescoes, decorative specimens.
Smitten, relaxed, they took a shower, usuing only a cup
of water. Uppermost was bliss's peculiarity.
Six was a cipher, although didn't they eagerly agree
to let the numbers mean nothing?

III

Eventually the text began to explain itself.
Written out, the gode was easier to dechipher.
They devised a strategy, frequent division,
occasional subtraction. One fragment kissed another.
A sexual innuendo of sorts. Distance was not kind.
They understood the adage that omissions can be cruel
so a system of substitution was concocted. A three was used
to connote a blank space. A blanket was thrown
over the bed but only because it was very, very cold.
It was all in an evening's amusement.
All a moment's distraction.

IV

Now then, she said, come closer. He allowed her
so little. And she made do. That can be said in her favor.
She was his favorite. He said so.
She dragged her nails along the surface soundless.
No abominable chalkboard emanation. In the quiet,
a clock. A dog scratching resignedly at a door.
That night she dreamed she lived in a laundry
where everything came clean. She was all
she was going to mean. Let touch be a time-tested image.
Let speech be designed to persuade. Let fragments hold a space.
Let the bell for waking keep breaking in.

thing i want MOST

thing i want most right now:

I want to go to the beach. I want to walk along hot sand, collecting cool rocks, lucky glass, and shells. I want to lounge. I want to lounge in the sun. I want cold water, the smell of water. The smell doesn't need to be salty. The smell in my mind isn't salty air. The smell is just that of water. Of water weeds. Of wetness, and heat, and sun, and sand.
I want the beach right now SO hard.

do you make it clean or make it magic?

it's one of those mornings where, when i speak, you can't tell the difference between cherries and churches.

I have a lot of wants this morning. I want several more hours of sleep. I want cream in my coffee (but I ran out). I want ice cream or frozen yogurt. I want this stupid, stupid work task to be over with.

I want to be a happier person, but lately I feel like no matter what I do, it's not going to be a happy path that I have to follow. It feels a lot like doom. And I want to keep this to myself more, but I can't keep it in. And it's going here now.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

magic mouse

there is a mouse in my house. his name is diego. he's a magic mouse. for two days straight, he's cleaned out the traps without setting a single one off. he must think i really like him, since i leave him dinner every night. the truth is, i'm hansel-ing him. he'll get nice and plump and then he won't be so quick on the traps anymore.

here is a thing i want:

to be a schnauzer foster parent. there is a schnauzer rescue based out of laurel, md, and they look for foster homes for dogs for 2 to 6 weeks. it'd be so nice to have a dog without HAVING a dog. it's like rent-a-schnauzer. i'm seriously considering it. i'll wait until erin is around to see how she feels about this, though.


here is another thing i want:

a comfy and very coordinated living room. a place that feels like MY home. i'm ready for it. i'm thinking that the way i want it is "nature themed" --lots of browns, greens, plant motifs. i have some kathleen lolley prints for the wall. i want some tree branch hooks for by the door. wicker trunk as a coffee table. lots of plants. lots of wood. yes?

when i was young, my parents had this really amazing piece of art, made out of a coppery material. it was in our living room when we lived on treehaven. it was a sculpture of leaves, birds, and bird houses. i always loved it. they sold it at a garage sale when i was in middle school, after we'd moved and they'd done a new "decorating" scheme. i wish we still had it somewhere, because it'd be perfect with what i want now for my house. funny how things "come around" again. the truth is, i think my parents have always been very stylish in a classic way--they have a knack for choosing things that will always look good, instead of trendy things. i hope that they've passed this on to me, too.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

we're back, try two.

getting back into this is hard.

the new theme for this might be "things I want" and "theories" instead of "pizza." Maybe
"dreams," too. You've been warned.


Thing I want:

At least once every other week, I want to pick up some chinese take out on my way home from work, come home, put on pajamas and sit on the couch and read all night. nothing else. and not feel guilty about this.


Theory:

These might not be theories so much as "governing opinons." I observe a lot. I connect the dots, pull the strings together, and my opinion formed is my "theory" of the moment. I've got a lot of theories.

Tonight's theory is on getting lost. I don't get lost often. I generally have a sense of "how to get home from here" or "generally, I know where I am." I also feel like I often notice small details that others overlook. The giant spiderweb glinting in the sun between two tree branches. The chapstick, three legos, unopened tampon, two yeungling and one pbr cap in the dirt next to the sidewalk. The snake's tail barely poking out onto the trail. The turtle blending into the log as it suns itself. The wild strawberry. I see it all, even when I'm not looking. I think it's common sense, but that these two phenomena are related. I don't get lost because I'm always paying attention--even if I don't want to be. So no matter where I'm going I'm keeping track of each left and right turn, which way my shadown falls, and my mind is drawing a map, always.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

hi again

I'd kinda forgotten about this...as in, I knew it was around, but I was pretending it didn't exist because I've just been...in a different place mentally (and physically, i guess) and just didn't want to update it.

But, now I think I am ready.


So, first off...sadly, I no longer live in Potsdam. Instead, I live in Hyattsville, MD. I have to drive my car everyday if I want to get to the University of Maryland's campus. I need a bicycle.


I don't want to do the whole get you caught up thing. Give me a call, if you really don't know.

So, as it turns out, being a poet in an MFA program isn't all that I'd expected. My life may still have some twists and turns ahead. Right now, my two primary goals are figuring out how to 1) move to NYC, and 2) move back to Berlin. I guess I'd take either or, but I want to spend significant amounts of time in both places in the not too distant future.

I pretty much miss Berlin every single day. I have powerful flashback-esque moments, where I'll be in the middle of some mundane task (sitting at my desk, riding in an elevator, buying coffee) where I suddenly have this ache for Berlin, and a strong memory of---some normal Berlin or Potsdam thing: Riding the bus, walking around Potsdamer Platz, buying fresh bread at the bakery, walking across the street to Netto Markt. These little flashbacks will kinda haunt me for a minute or two. They make me think "wait, did all of that really happen? How did I end up here instead?" It's crazy how much I miss Potsdam and Berlin.


As for life as a Terp...well...I don't know if I want to go there right now.

Maybe next time.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

things that improve my mood...

Two nights ago, I dreamt that I'd won the lottery. The next morning I read about the GIGANTIC mega-millions jackpot. If only my dream could have been prophetic, and my family had won. That'd been pretty cool. I think I had this dream though because I GOT INTO THE UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND!!!! And it feels like winning the lotto, for sure.

Last night I slept horribly. I don't know why, but it was terrible. I was tired and stressed all day as a result. So...to make things better, here is a list of things that improve my mood.

1) Sunny, balmy weather and long walks.
2) My potted tulips. They are white (i might have to go back and get another color to go with) and they have new buds! It's a really nice plant, and makes my room cheery. I love it when I don't kill plants (I've killed 3 basil plants so far this year. I don't know what I'm doing wrong! Back in the states I can keep basil alive without too many problems!)
3) Spending my evenings in my room with candles as my only light. Back for christmas I received a set of votive candleholders from a teacher as a gift. Now I am using them, and it creates a really nice comfy atmosphere.
4) FREE pizza...TWICE! From two different places...so you know what that means. Yes, it's time for the pizza in potsdam update!

PIZZA IN POTSDAM (or...Stralsund and Zehlendorf, but whatever.)

Sunday, 4th of March
Pizza Isabella, Stralsund (where Jack lives)

I found out that I'd been accepted to Maryland while I was visiting Jack. To celebrate, we decided to go out for pizza. We were walking to a pizza place on the New Market, when we saw a brand new pizzaria we'd never seen before. They had a sandwich board advertising a lunch special of a pizza and a drink for 4 euros--how could we say no?
The restaurant was bright, clean and small. Decoration was sparse, and the walls were a cheerful peach. The service was a little gruff, but friendly. I think it's just a northern germany thing to mumble and whatnot.
The special included your choice of either Pizza Margherita (Cheese), Pizza Salami (Pepperoni), Pizza Schinken (ham), or Pizza Funghi (Mushroom), plus a small non-alcoholic drink. I ordered the Pizza Funghi and a Fanta...since Cola Light is nowhere to be found in Stralsund. Jack ordered the Pizza Salami.
Our pizzas arrived quite promptly (maybe a ten minute wait?) and looked fantastic! The pizzas were 24 cm in diameter (a good size, especially for just one person!) and piping hot. Mine was PILED high with cheese and mushrooms. Literally, heaps of mushrooms! The mushrooms were canned (and we all know fresh is always better) but the generosity more than made up for that. The pizza was very cheesy too. The cheese seemed to be a gouda mix--it was a bit stronger and heavier than your standard mozzerella. Additionally, the pizza had a dusting of dried oregano on top of it--which looked nice, but it didn't add a whole lot of flavor. The sauce was thin, bright red, and tangy, like a cheap tomato paste (but not the dark red sweet kind, the cheaper kind that's almost sour). The crust was on the thicker side, by german standards (about normal by U.S. standards) and crispy. Amazingly, the pizza was cut into slices, but I ate it with a knife and fork nonetheless, to avoid being stared at. The pizza started out great, but by the end I was a bit overwhelmed by all of the cheese. Nonetheless, it was a great bargain, and a VERY filling lunch. Jack's pepperoni pizza was quite average in appearance--the salami used was much larger in diameter than the normal american pepperoni, and thinnly sliced (this is standard in germany). It was under a thick layer of cheese, so...a crispy pepperoni fan might have been dissapointed. He enjoyed it though. Unlike my monster of a mushroom pizza, the pepperoni on his pizza was distributed in normal amounts...though his pizza was very cheesy as well.

The full menu looked quite good, and there were some very unique pizza toppings available (one pizza came with BANANA on it...and it WASN'T a dessert!) In addition to many different pizzas, there was a full pasta menu. The prices were all quite affordable for the food, but the drinks were very expensive. However, most other pizza places we've seen in Stralsund are a bit pricier than this place, so we will probably try it again sometime. The lunch menu was a steal...but next time I want to try the banana pizza! (It also involved onions, pineapple, artichokes...and maybe tuna fish? I don't remember. It was a bizzare looking beast of a pizza).


Moving on to pizza number two.

Monday, 5th of March, 2007
Gabana-Zehlendorf, Berlin

I spent the afternoon driving around Zehlendorf with one of my English teachers. Zehlendorf is the section of Berlin where the U.S. Military was based for their sector of Berlin. It's now got some nice little shops and cute neighborhoods, but is still full of americans, and american things and ways. I'd been helping this teacher prepare an english presentation, and to say thank you she took me out to lunch. She'd been wanting to try a new cafe she'd read about called Gabana.
The restaurant had a very trendy air, and a "fusion" menu that was heavily influenced by the many americans in the area, no doubt. It served nachos and burgers and pizzas and whatnot. I decided to try their "Vegetarian Pizza" (yes, it was in english on the menu) which came with Zucchini, Eggplant, onion, rucola, pine nuts, mushrooms, and "paprika." Now, the description was in german, and normally when you see "paprika" on a german menu, they mean bell pepper, and not the spice. I hate bell peppers, but forgot to ask the waitress to have the peppers held. To my suprise and delight, instead of coming with peppers on it, my pizza arrived dusted with the SPICE paprika...which I can tolerate a lot more than bell peppers.
The pizza was seriously amazing. It had almost TOO much going on. The zucchini and eggplant were perfectly cooked (too long and they get mushy) and the mushrooms were fresh :) I love fresh rucola on pizzas, so that was great, and the pine nuts were an interesting twist. The crust was paper thin and crisp, and the sauce was fresh and tasted like perfectly ripe tomatos. The pizza was a bit spicy, maybe from the paprika, but also because it had a lot of minced garlic on it--very, very garlicky, but that's okay. I love garlic. It was a pleasant pizza, but hard to eat because of all the toppings... I had trouble getting it all onto my fork! The restaurant was pretty pricey over all, but my pizza was a pretty good deal at only 6.50. I've had far worse for that price, and the ingredients used were of top freshness and quality. One down side of the experience was that we waited forever...over a half an hour. That's a long wait for pizza and apple pie alamode (which is what my teacher ordered...it cost as much as my pizza! And again, those american influences...you normally won't find pie in Germany!)

Anyhow, it was a tasty pizza, but I don't know that I'd go back--it's a bit out of the way for me, and the menu was pretty expensive. Plus...I usually hate the german interpretations of "american food" (especially their attempts at nachos and salsa and whatnot...man, so wrong!) and seeing a menu full of that stuff makes me wary. What we had was good though.